Tuesday, July 25, 2017

雅思写作高分段落是怎样炼成的(四)

 对于写作,Allen有个坚定不移的想法,那就是写好段落(paragraphing)是写好句子与整个文章的关键

因为如果一个段落(paragraph)的思路不清,写出的句子尽管漂亮,但有可能和主题无关,自然这个段落对于整篇文章的支持(support)就会比较弱。

所以,练习写作,从练习一个个小段落开始会很有效。

今天我们来分析一个具体的例子,题目是讨论作为明星的利与弊。

Being a celebrity- such as a famous film star or sports personality- brings problems as well as benefits.  Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?  
这个题目讨论的是:“being  a celebrity” 作为明星(名人)是好处多还是问题多。
这个题目审题不算难,好处无非是名和利,收入多(have a fortune, wealthy),受欢迎(enjoy great popularity, have a lot of fans, idolized);
面临的问题比如没有隐私(lack of privacy),媒体舆论压力大(suffering from great pressure from mass media) 等。

最难的是下一步,组织和扩展观点,因为跑题、偏题、无关话题都是在这一步发生的。

我们先看一下从一篇6.5作文里选取的一个段落:
Additionally, besides money, popularity also come after being a celebrity. This is a significant and powerful tool that can be used to do many things that a non-celebrity may not be able to achieve. Our society needs celebrities with great popularity to speak to the public about may issues such as drugs, bullies and cancer. People would pay more attention if the words are coming from a celebrity than a random cross-street neighbor.
简单译文:除钱之外,另一个好处就是成为名人之后的受欢迎度。受欢迎,一种重要且有力的方式,明星们可以利用它做一些非名人做不到的事情。社会需要很受欢迎的明星,可以向社会传达如毒品,癌症和仗势欺人等一些普遍关注的问题。 相比过街普通行人,大家会更关注明星们说的话。
看完之后思考一下这两个问题:
第一个问题: 你读完之后,是否能够很清楚能说出这一段落的核心意思?what's the topic? what's the point of this paragraph?  4句话是否都在围绕一个focus展开论述?
第二个问题:这四个句子之间是什么关系?因果?递进?还是举例子?
本段共4句话。我们先抛开词汇、语法不谈,只看这一段的写作思路
①Additionally, besides money, popularity also come after being a celebrity.
这一句话引出话题 popularity.
②This is a significant and powerful tool that can be used to do many things that a non-celebrity may not be able to achieve.
对popularity的进一步解释。
Our society needs celebrities with great popularity to speak to the public about may issues such as drugs, bullies and cancer.
这一句似乎想表达:celebrity 对社会的积极意义。可是不慎就写成了社会的需要。
People would pay more attention if the words are coming from a celebrity than a random cross-street neighbor.

这一句话似乎想表达:名人更容易获得大众的关注,但是关注不代表对社会或者大众的好处。

不可否认,作者的结构还算清晰,主题句-解释-例子,一个不少;

可是从内容上看,作者试图想表达名人或明星对社会的benefit, 可是读完之后,却没有感觉到有什么好处,印象不深,说服力不强。


我们再看一个7.5分的段落,同样写明星对社会的好处。

Another benefit of being a celebrity is that he or she may exert great positive influence on the community service, especially when there are emergent accidents or disasters happening. (观点清晰:明星对社区服务有很积极的影响,尤其是遇到紧急情况发生)Some of film stars and sports professionals not only enjoy great popularity from the public but also earn a lot of respect and trust because of their excellent achievements in the entertainment field. (解释影响是如何产生,通过获得大众的尊重和信任)This kind of respect and trust could be very effective when the society is in urgent need of those celebrities’ help. (这种信任和尊重关键时刻起作用)For instance, Jet Lee is a famous movie star in China.⑤When the earthquake happened and unfortunately destroyed enormous houses in Sichuan in 2008, he raised lots of money through his foundation and donated to rebuild and restore the devastated area. (具体例子说明)

5句话,每一句话之间有一定的逻辑关系。


第1句是 topic sentence, 说明 being a celebrity 的一个 benefit 在于对社会的积极影响。
第2、3句是对第一句的进一步解释,celebrity 通过什么,怎么来正面影响社区。
第4、5句并列,成为支撑第3句的例子。

5个句子, every sentence is working together for one purpose, one focus, one topic.

这样的段落符合我们上次谈到的高分段落三个特征: unity, logic and well-development.

接下来,我会给大家举更多例子,详细说明句子之间的逻辑关系是如何形成的。

我将会给大家展示一些句子之间的逻辑结构图,相信这些图会让大家的思路更清晰,思维更有逻辑。

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